Communication Breakdown

Every marriage or other family relationship, friendship, and business partnership at one point or another will suffer a communication breakdown. It's the proverbial doghouse. We don't come out for a loooong time--things are tense, people are not talking, and resolving seems impossible.

The other party may seem to be nit picky, making us jump through hoops, not caring about resolving, and have a never-ending list of wrongs. Couples who experience this often may think they are in two separate worlds; often, they come to the conclusion that they have grown apart; they are not the same people who fell in love and got married.

I once asked a couple experiencing this to consider a biblical point: If Jesus is the Great Physician, why not accept his diagnosis?

The scripture I am introducing is where Jesus gives an illustration of a situation that results in a lawsuit. He says, "Make peace quickly with your adversary, or else, your adversary will deliver you to the judge, the judge to the jailer, and you will be thrown into prison. I am telling you the truth, you won't come out of that prison until you have paid the last cent." (my paraphrase, but you can read this yourself in the Sermon on the Mount in the Gospel of Matthew, chapter 5.)

Now that prison sounds a little like our doghouse, doesn't it? Jesus is using the pain of financial distress and debtors' prison to describe the pain of not resolving issues while we are "in the way" with someone we care about. Paying the last "cent" describes how petty and endless the list of wrongs can be.

In the context of those times, your ox gores someone else's ox as you unload produce from your farm. You can settle there, on the spot, for the damages; or, you can deny liability, and hope your adversary won't drag you to court.

It is so much easier to resolve "in the way". It costs less, and when you are done, there is not this lingering fear that things are going to get much worse.

When we don't resolve quickly, things build up until there is a list of wrongs. Many are petty, and it is very difficult and painful to go down that list. Sometimes a counselor is helpful to get through the list, if you can find one committed to your marriage. How much better it is to resolve "in the way".

I discussed this principle with a young married engineer I worked with. He was studying the bible, but couldn't come to believe that his wife was an "adversary". He acknowledged that as he and his wife grew in their faith, their communication breakdowns were becoming less frequent and were not lasting as long. Most churches and counselors do teach couples to resolve matters quickly, and not to go to bed mad.

There are benefits to understanding this passage. Number one, we will be ever so vigilant because we understand that Jesus is using a very painful situation to describe the pain of not resolving in the way.

The second reason for applying the verse is that we are not likely to blame "drifting apart", or our partner for not being appreciative or considerate. We are more likely to say, "This pain is because we did not resolve the matter when we should have."

A third reason is that when confronted with this list, and with failures that seem all so petty, we will (I am speaking to the guys, here) MAN UP, and patiently go down that list, without whining about jumping through endless hoops.

If we realize that in a recent situation we did not resolve in the way, (my wife just reminded me of this need) then get back in the way with that spouse, co-worker, friend, business partner, or team-mate and resolve quickly. Ask forgiveness.

It always helps to have an accurate diagnosis; for a communication breakdown, Jesus seems to provide one. If you have an example of where this principle has helped you, please post a comment.

Is Tradition the Enemy of Truth?

First, let's establish the fact that we are not talking about church tradition. We are talking about every-day actions, that cumulatively form a tradition of how people behave.


There are two examples of this that readily come to mind in the scriptures. One deals directly in this area of peace.


In the Sermon on the Mount, where I am taking most of Jesus' sayings (Gospel of Matthew, chapters 5, 6, and 7), Jesus said something like this (to paraphrase), "You know that most people are saying Eye for and Eye, and Tooth for Tooth; but, I am telling you, do not resist an evil person." Jesus then talks about: turning the other cheek, going the extra mile, and loving one's enemies.


Now when Moses gave the command Eye-for-Eye, and Tooth-for-Tooth, it was in the context of the administration of justice - i.e., that in court, the punishment should fit the crime. Moses, as God's spokesperson, was saying that it was wrong to chop off someone's hand for petty theft. Moses would also say it was wrong to slap a man's wrist, as often happens today, for beating up his wife.


But this rule, that applied to judicial situations, was being applied in personal situations. Jesus was addressing the tradition, or practice, of using this biblical quotation to justify paying people back for everyday wrongs. Someone told me once, "I don't get even, I get ahead!" And that's the attitude Jesus was addressing.

Jesus also addressed another tradition of dedicating money "to God" that one would otherwise use to help his or her elderly parents. Jesus said that their traditions were being put before the commandment of God, notably, one of the Ten Commandments, to honor their father and mother. They were in effect, nullifying God's command to follow their own tradition.

So that is one reason we need to get a FRESH LOOK at Jesus' sayings, because they have in many cases been nullified or minimized by centuries of tradition. That fresh look is the goal of this blog.

Look at it this way: If Jesus is called the Prince of Peace, then his followers should be making a big impact on this country in the way of bringing about peace within our families and on our streets. (And many Christians are impacting their communities in this way.) Perhaps we need to dust off these sayings and see how we can really apply them. What do you think?

Turning the Other Cheek Followup

Here are some typical questions that arise


1. When did Jesus turn the other cheek? That's a good question, because we would expect Jesus to demonstrate every principle he encouraged his disciples to follow.

One example is this. When responding to persecution, Jesus said, "For which of my good works do you persecute me?" Now this response was in the vein of turning the other cheek, in that it invited an examination and judgement on the part of his detractors.

This response brought about several things.

First, it got the conflict out of the physical arena--because they were about to stone him--into the conflict of ideas and issues. For us, that's always the objective. We want to de-escalate from fists to a discussion of what went wrong, or why this person has a beef with us.

Secondly, it pointed out the incongruity of their persecution. Jesus had done good things; he had healed, he had fed, he had taught, he had encouraged the faint hearted. Instead of a defensive, How dare you persecute me? --he responded with a simple request to examine his good works.


2. A Second question arises about abusive relationships. And this is important because truly abusive relationships are dangerous. Many people are killed by a boyfriend or spouse because of an abusive relationship. Gavin de Becker, a foremost U.S. authority on threats, says that a woman in an abusive relationship has a shorter life expectancy than a woman on death row. So a person in an abusive relationship needs to get to a place of safety. (De Becker's book, The Gift of Fear: And Other Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence is excellent).

Turning the other cheek is for other situations, ranging from great marriages, to situational domestic violence. The latter is where things just seem to always escalate between two people.


3. The third question arises from our normal or traditional thinking about this concept. Isn't this for the situation where one is persecuted for being a Christian, and about to be sent into the arena to fight lions, as occurred in ancient Rome. I would answer two ways. The first is that we can't expect to suddenly apply a biblical principle in some distant glorious moment. We won't understand it. We need to apply it on a daily basis with our friends, co-workers, and family members, so when the time of real testing comes, we'll have the insight to use it.

Secondly, don't forget, that turning the other cheek is what we do BEFORE there is violence. We de-escalate by inviting examination and judgment, instead of escalating with defensiveness.

4. So how do we correct the behaviour of the person who is doing the "hitting"? Well, we first correct our own behaviour, that is, our defensiveness, which is part of what drives the escalation. When we are sincere, turning the other cheek frequently gives us a secure platform from which to address the other person's wrongs. However, turning the other cheek sometimes by itself will bring about an openness about his or her own fault in the matter.

When slandered, Jesus did not slander in return. He said some powerful things to his persecutors, but it was to speak to their consciences, and not to "one up" them.

AND NOW, please leave a response, especially if you have tried this, regardless of what ensued as a result.

Turn the Other Cheek

Jesus said to turn the other cheek. So, was being slapped on the cheek something that happens once in a lifetime, or something we have to deal with daily?

I believe that most of Jesus' important principles were meant for daily use. Take "Go the extra mile". We hear daily that others are trying to go the extra mile to serve us in come capacity, or the boss is telling us to go the extra mile to help a client.

Turning the other cheek is a concept for daily use. It is the primary means to stop an altercation with another person from escalating.

Our natural tendency is to be defensive. We are criticized, so we protest. Our defense puts up a wall the other person tries to go over; they do this by getting louder. Our defense gets louder, or rather, the wall gets higher, and a greater effort must be made by the other person to go higher, get louder.

What if we said, "Why are you raising your voice? Was I not listening to what you said?"

We then are asking the other person to judge us (slap the other cheek) by evaluating our listening. We are not being doormats. We are confronting a wrong--but in the nicest possible way. We are saying that their yelling is not acceptable. But we are doing it by asking them to judge how we were listening.

This is just one example. By confronting a wrong, we are not being timid, but strong. We are asking the other person to judge us in another aspect of our behaviour.

If I address some perceived fault of my dear wife, and she says, "Is there anything else I need to ask forgiveness for?", she is turning the other cheek.

No one says this is easy, or that it is learned overnight, or that it will instantly cure every bad relationship we have. It takes a lifetime to learn. It may not stop violence but it is our best shot, if used sincerely and not manipulatively.

What do you think? Send a tweet if you have a comment (@wmacvvg) or add a comment below. We'll talk more on this subject in the blog.