Next Obama Speech: Fatherhood and Youth Violence

We've said that President Obama's speeches to school children should address youth violence. We've shown the precedent in King Solomon appealing directly to young men to avoid violence, as well as giving in the biblical book of Proverbs a model for fathers to talk to their kids.


Solomon's important sequel to the appeal found in chapter 1 of Proverbs occurs in chapter 24.


How do they do it? Strip the net time after time from half court, and any basketball-star want-a-be will say, "How does he or she do it?" That's how chapter 24 starts out. But it deals with the topic of envy. Generally we admire someone who excels in sports because of the self discipline athletics involves. But envy does not include admiration. The drug dealer has money; we don't admire, or perhaps even like him, but if he has money, people will ask the question, "How does he do that?"


Here are the verses (my paraphrase)

Don't envy evil people,

And don't desire to be with them,

For in their minds they devise violence,

And with their lips, they talk about making trouble.

Now, in Hebrew poetry, there is a rhyming of ideas. We should see "envy" connect to devising violence; we should see "with them" connect to making trouble.


If we just ask the question about how someone makes illegal money, we might not get into trouble. But when we try to answer that question, that's when we become their disciple. And as their disciples, we will learn how to come up with a plan to make money illegally. But that's where fathers come in.


Fathers have to be alert to point out people who are both successful and are admirable. Fathers take their kids to see great athletes and musicians perform. They go to museums where past achievements in science and industry are displayed. Even at amusement parks, fathers can point out the engineering feats involved in holding up a roller coaster.


Solomon's next point is about talk. When a kid comes up on a group of friends, he talks about what they are talking about. If it's sports, he talks about Friday night's game. If it's about school, he talks about something funny that happened in class. If it's about making trouble, he talks about making trouble. And when a group of teens talks about making trouble, serious trouble happens.


Fathers can help their children avoid serious trouble by knowing when to leave, that is, when the talk turns to trouble. Fathers can help their sons and daughters have the self confidence and courage necessary to walk away before the trouble starts and before it's too late.


The next section of Proverbs chapter 24 talks about how wisdom enables one to build a house, establish home, and fill the home with wonderful things. What we fill our homes with are the stepping stones to what we do outside the home--prepare for a career, visit far away places, meet people who are shaping our world.


The current housing disaster shows how people tried to buy houses they couldn't pay for. They didn't foresee the risks, and didn't prepare adequately by paring down other debt. They looked at homes that were out of their price range. Wisdom cures that. People like Dave Ramsey and other financial gurus increase our financial literacy. Some of them work closely with couples over a period of months to get on a budget, reign in their spending, and ultimately qualify for the best loans, not the sub-prime loads that got everyone, including Wall Street billionaires, in trouble.


People build homes and then can't live together in harmony. Jesus helps us with that--turning the other cheek, going the extra mile, forgiveness--all skills necessary to establish a home.


Finally, Solomon shows how wisdom increases the resources we have. He uses the example of war, where a superior strategy, and a multitude of advisers, can make a smaller army equal to a much larger army in winning a conflict. There is safety in a superior strategy.

All of this is in contrast to the strategy of the drug dealer, which will lead a young person to prison or death. If you would fill your home with wonderful things, do it legally. You can do it legally with a superior strategy (wisdom) and hard work. This is how most of the world operates. This is the message fathers have to communicate to their children.

Violence Against Women - Part III

The third topic is closely related to domestic violence; Jesus shows that if you want to nip it in the bud, you must deal with men who control women, men who “keep them in their place” for their own selfish purposes.

The third passage is from Luke, chapter 7, and is very similar to the passage concerning the anointing by Mary, except here the woman was not an invited guest, but came in off the street. The event occurred at a very different time in Jesus' life, when he was being courted, guardedly, by the religious establishment; in this case, it was by Simon, a Pharisee.

At Simon's dinner, the woman entered after learning that Jesus was there; she wet Jesus' feet with her tears, and wiped them with her hair, then anointed them with a perfume.

Simon was oblivious to the spiritual drama before him; his only thought was to the superficial--"If Jesus were a prophet, he would have known what kind of woman she was." The amazing thing here was that Jesus proceeded to tell Simon not only what kind of woman she was, but what kind of man he was, as revealed by his secret thoughts and by the absence of certain actions.

Jesus said that Simon loved little in contrast to the woman: He did not anoint Jesus, he gave him no kiss of welcome, he did not wash Jesus' feet--all contrary to the custom of the day for an honored guest. The woman loved much, because she had been forgiven much.

Simon, like many of us, was oblivious to the drama of faith and conversion, and so he was oblivious to the One who was the author and object of that faith.

Jesus told Simon a parable of two debtors--one who owed much, and one who owed little. Both, however, were at the mercy of the moneylender because both were unable to pay. Simon may have recognized his need for forgiveness, but he did not put himself in the same level of need as this woman.

Pharisees like Simon were "control freaks"--they controlled those for whom they had spiritual accountability, but not for their ultimate good. Both the gospels and the Acts of the Apostles tell us that they these religious leaders became jealous when the people began to follow Jesus.

Jesus would not allow Simon to thwart the emerging faith in this woman; again, he nips that protest in the bud before it is even on Simon's lips. Simon would say that she was "that kind of woman" --a woman of a particular type that doesn't change. But Jesus assured the woman that she had brought special gifts that were acceptable because of her faith in the Savior; her sins, though many, were forgiven; she could go in peace. But she would not have gone in peace had Simon had his way.

We know that, in our culture, there are men who abuse the women they control; these two perversions of love and responsibility seem to feed one other. Any threat to control is an opportunity for abuse. Women in these relationships of control are reminded constantly of the "kind of women" they are, where they would be without that man; but they are rarely nurtured, and certainly not nurtured in a spiritual sense.

We are faced with the kindness of Jesus to Simon. Just as Jesus appealed, successfully, to the consciences of the crowd ready to stone the adulteress--and just as Jesus would later appeal to the consciences of the disciples and Judas who sought to shame Mary for her generous act--so we see Jesus kindly appealing to Simon. His words protected this penitent woman but prodded Simon. Simon was called to consider his dependence on the mercies of God and to agree that the lukewarm treatment of his guest (Jesus) was evidence of his deeper spiritual need.

It is worth noting that Jesus was able to speak to Simon because he was a guest at a meal. Not many individuals like Simon are going to read a Christian newsletter. Christ's disciples are going to have to be out in the trenches to speak to the consciences of our generation--one by one--as Jesus did. We can also use mealtime with our spouses and children to address the worldly attitudes toward women which inevitably surface.

We can be thankful for those who teach young women how to say "no" to relationships of control, say "no" to violence, and say "no" to molds that from their births seem to banish hope for any different kind of life. We can be thankful for those who nurture fragile faith with the many assurances that "He who began a good work in you will perform it until the day of Christ Jesus". And we can be thankful for the Apostle Paul, once a "Pharisee of the Pharisees", who is evidence that the "Simon's", too, can be redeemed by Christ.

Violence Against Women - Part II

In the first passage, I tried to show how Jesus protected a woman threatened with stoning for adultery. She was a mere pawn in someone's political agenda--that of discrediting Christ. Jesus appealed to the conscience of the crowd when He said, "Let him without sin cast the first stone."

The second passage, from Mark's gospel, chapter 14, and the parallel passage in John 12, describe Jesus' response to the disciples who tried to put a big "guilt trip" on a dinner host, Mary, for "wasting" a large container of perfume she had poured out on Jesus. While Mark shows all the disciples' involvement, John's gospel brings out the fact that Judas was at the root of this harassment. Judas manipulated this woman and the other disciples because he was a thief, and wanted to profit from this gift.

The amount was large; it was a container that would have been purchased by a retailer from a wholesaler or a caravan. It had to be "broken" because it was hermetically sealed at the source--somewhere near India--to prevent tampering, i.e., someone's diluting the product as it passed through the many hands of trade. It was sealed to prevent exploitation of the purchaser--the very objective of Judas.

The sad thing was that Mary was doing what the disciples and everyone else should have been doing--honoring the perfect, sinless Son of God for the sacrifice of himself on the cross, a preparation for his death and burial. Her unselfish, caring, worshipful attitude contrasted sharply with the ugly self-seeking and shameful theatrics of Judas. The rest of the disciples were unknowingly carried along by this skillful, professional manipulator.

While we see Jesus taking the disciples aside for private correction in other passages, Jesus in this passage was instant and direct in his rebuke. "Let her alone!" This is what the church should be saying to men who abuse women. We should not be embarrassed for these men or coddle them.

Some husbands and boyfriends abuse women with this day-after-day weapon of guilt. Mothers have their service to their families thrown up in their faces in the same way Judas manipulated Mary: "Why was this not sold and the money given to the poor?" Like Judas, men who abuse women have their own selfishness at the root of their manipulation.

"Why are you bothering her?" Jesus said. This is the very question Judas should have asked himself; he knew the answer, for Jesus spoke to his conscience. I suppose the other disciples were brought to contrition by Jesus' unusually strong rebuke. But Judas' next steps, as we see in verse 10 of Mark 14, were to the chief priests in betrayal of his friend and teacher.

But Jesus honored Mary with his words. The others could "help the poor" at any time, with their own resources. Jesus said that Mary "did what she could", meaning that she used her own resources in contrast to the disciples who speculated about what "could have been done" for the poor, with someone else's resources. Mary sought to give Christ a memorial; Jesus left a memorial for her in stating that wherever the gospel was preached, her unselfish act would be spoken of.

Jesus demonstrated what our response should be in protecting women; we, as church officers, friends, and counselors, should be careful that we don't beat them up again. We should extol their good deeds; we should honor them. Many men (including teenagers) have been guilty of abusing girlfriends, wives and mothers this way--of turning a deed of service into some kind of offense.

We should remember that if Jesus had said nothing, this weapon of guilt formulated by Judas, and hurled by the rest of the disciples, would have been successful in bringing Mary down; her good deed would have been in her own eyes as something bad--a memorial to her own selfishness or poor judgment.

We see in these passages (including from the previous blog) that Jesus stood up for women who are victims of a political agenda, or of a selfish personal agenda. Hopefully we will be ready to defend the weak when these common scenarios present themselves. Is there any question that Jesus is calling his church and Christians everwhere to prevent domestic violence.

Violence Against Women - Part I

Many of us do not think of Jesus as a protector of women. When we see the abuse of women in our culture, we don't have a Biblical solution because scriptures related to the subject do not come to mind. I would like to help by addressing three passages that relate to Jesus dealing with violence against women, with domestic violence issues, and with exploitation of women.

The first example clearly shows how Jesus protected a woman who was the victim of someone's political agenda. The passage is in the eighth chapter of John's gospel, where we see a woman "taken in the act of adultery". The Old Testament proscribed stoning for adultery. What did Jesus say?

First of all, we know that the crowd, at least the instigators, were seeking an opportunity to trap Jesus--either to have him repudiate the law of Moses, and thus God's authority, or to have him promote stoning outside the jurisdiction of the Roman authorities. The former would discredit him in the eyes of the people; the latter would provide a basis to accuse Jesus of initiating rebellion.

The amazing thing was this: the woman was simply a means to achieve their end. She was set up. These people had an air of spiritual indignation against her sin; some may have been sincere but were themselves used by those who plotted Jesus' downfall. But in this indignation, whether superficial or real, there was a total lack of concern for real justice (for where was the man involved in the adultery?). And there was a total lack of concern for the woman--no concern that she live a wholesome life, and no concern that she come to terms with her guilt before God for her part in the affair.

Jesus protected the woman by appealing to the consciences of the crowd: "Let him without sin cast the first stone." Regardless of their sincerity, these people had a double standard--they were hypocrites. The crowd disbanded, beginning with the oldest.

Then Jesus showed his concern for the woman and for her shame before God and those present. He showed the concern that should have been shown by those who had spiritual oversight and direct knowledge of the sin. Instead of using her, the leaders should have headed off this and any other sin on the woman's part; but they were the ones who allowed sin to fester and exploited it for their own purposes. But Jesus spoke of forgiveness: "Neither do I condemn you." Then he measured out an appropriate, effective admonition: "Go and sin no more."

I have to believe that the admonition was, in this case, appropriate adjudication of the law by the Lord of grace. In any case, we know that Jesus' response sprang from a genuine concern for her, for her needed assurance of the grace of God, and for her continued walk with the Lord who would go to the cross for both her and our sins. We know Jesus was sincere. And we know the results: she was protected from the violence of this mob and from her own destructive lifestyle.

One twist to this situation is that Jesus bent down and wrote on the ground when the men first demanded an answer to the stoning question. He seemed to ignore the question. At this point they began to ask rather than demand an answer. It became apparent to the crowd, and importantly, to the woman, that Jesus did not have to answer anything. The fact that he did answer conveyed to this woman that he was willing to put his life on the line for her—they could have stoned him.

As to writing on the ground, many scholars believe that Jesus was writing the names of women that these men had consorted with. I don’t know the answer to that; but I do know that if he didn’t write those names, Jesus assuredly wanted those names to come to mind, for his statement about those without sin casting the first stone spoke right to their consciences and to their double standard.

Of course, this passage from John chapter 8 is relevant in the sense that we tend to be hypocrites and overlook our own sins in condemning others.

But it is relevant also to the abuse of women in our culture because of the finality of Jesus’ protection. Jesus asked, “Does any man condemn you?” She replied that there were none. This sealed in her mind the fact that she did not have to look over her shoulder for someone coming after her the next day. The matter was ended. But women who are physically abused or threatened in our culture learn to live in constant fear. Even if their attackers are in prison, letters and phone calls from them can terrorize the victims long after the actual physical torment has ended.

We as Christian men and women need to dedicate ourselves to breaking this binge of terror that occurs daily in our cities. Pastors need to covenant with their denominational and community peers to deal with this problem from the pulpit. We need to support our respective states’ Attorneys General to find solutions in our laws and in how we handle domestic violence cases.

Most importantly, we need to teach young men and women about healthy relationships. The book, How to Avoid Falling in Love With a Jerk, by Dr. John Van Epp, is an excellent resource for steering young people into healthy relationships. We also should nip in the bud any wrong attitude towards the opposite sex, especially as we engage our children around the dinner table and in front of the TV.

Part II - Next Obama Speech - Youth Violence

In my previous post, I showed how good presidents, good parents, and in particular, good fathers will communicate to young people about how to avoid violence. Teen or youth violence may be gang violence in that there is an instigator and his followers, as in the recent Chicago brawl that killed an innocent young man. In the biblical Book of Proverbs, Solomon addressed youth violence in the context of a robbery, but whether it is a gang violence, jealousy, or robbery, the principles are the same.


Here, I follow Solomon's argument point by point. A president, a teacher, parent, or youth leader will do well to sprinkle these principles into several conversations, unless you are a skilled storyteller who can bring wisdom into everyday context. If you ever were incarcerated, you are in the best advantage to help others steer clear of the things that derailed your life.

MY SON, if sinners entice you, do not consent. If they say, "Come with us, let us lie in wait for blood, let us ambush the innocent without cause..." Proverbs, Chapter 1, verse 10.

Now, no young person decides to go out and rob someone. They have to be enticed. The good news is that before people stir up trouble, they talk about it. If our children are alert, when the talk starts, they can leave.

A young person is enticed with words, because there is little to show for a life of crime. There is the promise of riches--a fantasy. They want you to come with them. The young criminals lie in wait for blood, not realizing, as Solomon will soon tell us, that they lie in wait for their own blood.

Blood is the picture of life. When one has been shot, a rapid loss of blood will drain the life from the person. But in prison, life drains away too--our potential to live productive lives, to marry, to raise children, to help others--these hopes and opportunities drain away just as surely as if an artery were severed.

An ambush, as we remember from movies of the Old West, is where the outlaws wait for the stagecoach. Suddenly the robbers make their move, attacking the stagecoach, demanding the "payroll" tucked away in some strongbox. An ambush carries with it the idea of control--suddenly you have control of someone's life and possessions.

But Solomon would have us see that they ambush their own lives. Suddenly, a promising young person is diverted to jail and he or she is not in control. Those in the criminal justice system have control of your life. What few possessions you carry into a jail cell are regulated and searched. Some have complained that they could have only a certain number of letters from home or that they could not study for the GED. This is an ambush to be sure. One minute you are in control; suddenly, everything has changed.

Let us swallow them alive like Sheol [the place of the dead], and whole, as those who go down to the grave.

The “swallowing alive” is a picture of a snake, whose teeth are set pointing towards its throat. When a snake catches a mouse, all of the wiggling that animal does helps the snake swallow it faster, because of the set of those teeth. That's why the animal swallows its prey whole. When criminals attack, they think everything their target does will only make their work go quicker.

But when a young person gets into bad trouble with the law, they are swallowed alive and whole. You don't send your arm or leg to prison--your whole body goes to prison. The grave takes you alive and whole--one minute you are alive, and the next you are dead, the victim of a bullet from a robbery victim, the police, or a stray bullet from one of your pals.

The justice system swallows you whole, and all the kicking and screaming seems only to hasten the resolve of the police and prosecutors to put you away.

Jesus drew on this principle when he said, "If your eye [or hand, or foot] offends you, pluck it out [or cut it off]." The criminal won't send his hand or foot to prison or to the grave. The whole body will go. The eye (or something desirable), the hand (or its activity), the foot (or somewhere it can take us) are easy to part with when compared to having our entire bodies dragged through the criminal justice system, or having our families grieve over our untimely death. (Jesus used it to apply to one's eternal destiny.)

We shall find all precious wealth; we shall fill our houses with spoil. Throw in your lot with us; we shall all have one purse.

Here is the fantasy, again. First, the focus is on some special thing that will be stolen. But human greed always takes over. Soon, it is filling one's house with loot.

The word "spoil" comes from the "spoils of war"--taking by force the fruits of other's labors. But if it is the fruit of someone else's labor, it could be the fruit of our labor. A Playstation 2 is expensive, but if you delivered pizza, how many days would you have to work to buy one? This is how most of the world operates; it is not strange for people to buy what they want with money they have earned. How else could so many (nearly 150 million PS2s) be sold? It takes hard work and discipline each day until we have saved for what we want.

In Solomon’s “cast your lot with us”, the lot is like a lottery ticket. If five of your friends buy lottery tickets to share the winnings, that would be what is suggested here. You throw in your lot with criminals. You share the risk of coming out ahead with loot you have stolen. But you also share the much, much higher risk of losing. That is why on evening news we see young punks together before a bond judge; they threw in their lot together. They will go to prison together. You share equally in the outcome--as the saying goes, you will "hang together".

MY SON, do not walk in the way with them. Keep your feet from their path.

When I was in college, I said the problem with making good grades was in my posterior. If I kept it in the chair, I would study. Otherwise, I wouldn't study. But the problem could have just as easily been my feet, because they could carry me away from my responsibility. Our hands will usually do what they are trained to do. If you have construction skills, and your feet take you to a construction site, your hands will naturally pick up a hammer and get to work. Job skills and study skills are indeed wonderful. If you are a reader, and you sit in front of a book, your hands and eyes are going to do what they have been accustomed to doing since your earliest days in school—READ.

This brings us to the points covered by the previous blog post, Part I of Youth Violence. I hope that together these two posts will give fathers some time-proven tools to convey to their children, and especially their young men, about how to avoid being sucked into the terrible vortex of escalating violence.

Next Obama Speech: Youth Violence

Long before President Obama recently addressed school children, I had wanted a sitting president to address the subject of youth violence directly with our young people. There is good precedence for an Obama speech on this topic. Solomon, the wisest of ancient kings, addressed the youth of his day very directly on the subject of violence. Solomon was sought out by other monarchs (notably, the Queen of Sheba), and was paid handsomely for his Management Seminars; his writings are full of references to violence prevention--an important topic for heads of state.

Throughout his life, Solomon collected proverbs, those pithy, earthy sayings like our "a stitch in time will save you nine"--Benjamin Franklin. Solomon compiled these into a complete book to which he added little sermonettes, some of which would come under the heading of "What parents should tell their kids", since each one begins with "My son....". These lessons are essential tools for fatherhood and parenting.

In the Book of Proverbs, Solomon's first appeal is to avoid people who will get you in trouble. It doesn't take long to discover that the illustrated trouble is armed robbery--not the first thing we think of when talking with our kids. But the lesson is clear, and I will summarize it here:

Proverbs, chapter 1: "their feet run to evil" - this means that people skilled in something are going to do it faster than you can think the words, "maybe I'd better leave." A carpenter friend shows up at your house when you are working on a project; faster than you can say it, this person has a hammer in his hand. If you in the company of an experienced felon, and he or she sees the opportunity, a bad deed is done, and you are implicated, although it happened faster than you could think.

Kids always think that there is time to back out, like the good kids did on the TV show, "Walker, Texas Ranger". In that series, there was always a kid who had remorse, and at the right moment would change sides while a crime was in progress. But life is not like a TV show, unfortunately; when a crime is in progress, things happen too fast. Pretty soon, a group of older teens is standing before a bond judge--then there's time for remorse.

Another issue is gun violence: Because it's effective at a distance, the gun becomes too impersonal to be used with restraint. It is too easy to use. The person who would never hurt anyone has done the unthinkable. Solomon puts it like this: "They hasten to shed blood." It always happens too fast. The novice thinks that he won't shoot, and his more experienced partner in crime promises the same. Adrenalin, hard hearts, the heat of the moment--all take over, and someone who wasn't supposed to get hurt is lying in a pool of blood. And it gets repeated again the next night with another naive youth who gets in league with a criminal.

The solution, according to Solomon, is to "avoid their path", which I paraphrase as, "Don't let your feet get mixed up with their feet." As Jesus put it, "If your foot offends you, cut it off." Jesus meant, that we have to be ruthless with ourselves to stay out of trouble. This is true with any addiction, and violence is certainly one of the chief addictions, as a read through Proverbs will reveal.

The concept in Proverbs describes what you do with your feet. If your feet get mixed up with a troublemaker, you are going to get into trouble. On the other hand, if your feet get mixed up with someone on the way to swim practice, band practice, dance class, or horse camp, sometime someone is going to put a trumpet in your hand, you are going to dance, you are going to swim, or you are going to ride--am I right? But no one is going to come to your house and put a trumpet in your hand; you are not going to wake up on the sofa with a horse nibbling your hair. That is the concept of feet--the good and the bad of it.

The young person can get his or her feet mixed up with kids who are going places. A summer camp is a great place to do exciting things. Don and Debi Ethridge have a camp near Jackson, Mississippi called New Life. They recruit kids who could not otherwise afford to go to camp. They have horses, and for some kids it is quite a hurdle to get over their fears of horses. But horse people (like Debi) have a special patience that transcends definition, and these kids are soon enjoying those treks through the pines. They got their feet mixed up with with feet that were on the way to camp, and ended up on a horse.

For Christians, who believe the scriptures are God-breathed, i.e., directly inspired, Proverbs uniquely retains the personality and breadth of insight of an intriguing head of state. These directives have stood the test of time; moreover, they are more current than tomorrow's newspaper. Any sitting president would do well to model his appeals after those of this world-class leader, who was also a great man of peace.

Forgiveness Part II

My wife, Mary, and I enjoy marriage mentoring. Mentoring is where a couple meets with another couple and basically says, "This is what we do." Mentoring does not replace counseling, but it can be very good in communicating relationship skills, especially to young couples just starting out their lives together. After I talk about one mentoring program, I want to discuss the very important situation of where forgiveness seems to wear out because the displeasing behaviour continues.

One of the best mentoring programs is Marriage Savers. Mary, who is a program director with a non-profit, had a grant to bring a marriage mentoring program to South Carolina. We took Marriage Savers to small groups in 6 cities, and many of the churches and groups we trained are still mentoring young couples. I wish I could say that I trained; actually, I made some really great coffee, which I could go on about, but that's not our purpose. (Mary can really stretch a dollar - she did 6 cities where most programs did one.)

Mike and Harriet McManus are the Co-Founders of Marriage Savers, and brought their excellent training to our groups. Basically, the idea is to set up mentoring couples in churches, and to have pastors in a community agree that every couple seeking to be married will have a specified minimum amount of pre-marital counseling or mentoring. It has been thoroughly enjoyable for every mentoring couple I know, and it benefits the young couples involved. The results for Marriage Savers are phenomenal; there is a measurable impact on the divorce rate in many areas of our country where communities have embraced the program in big way.

If Mary and I are talking to a married couple who has some difficulty in their relationship, we practice with them keeping short accounts. That's agreeing with your adversary quickly, "in the way" as described in Jesus' illustration, the subject of a previous blog. We emphasize the pain of not resolving "in the way", and that pain is like a debtor's prison from which we don't emerge until the least cent (or most minuscule infraction) is dearly paid for.

We don't believe in couples coming to let counselors fix their spouses. They gather up all the infractions for the week, and lay them at the counselor's feet. The goal of mentoring is to get couples to talk to each other. They ask forgiveness for known offenses. Pretty soon, they do it before they meet with their mentoring couple.

But inevitably, couples who have relationship difficulties tire of this forgiveness. It is normal. We see it in the New Testament gospels, where Peter said to Jesus, "How many times should I forgive my brother--seven times?" To this, Jesus responded, "No, until seventy times seven." In other words, don't keep count. The important truth from this that applies to all couples, young and old, is that change in a partner won't come as quickly as we think it should. It may not come in a way that we can measure. But change will come.

The change comes when a person has other people who are committed to his success, who hold him (or her) accountable. That person is in a good church where there is an emphasis on change, such as is embodied in the verse in Paul's Letter to the Romans, chapter 12 (my paraphrase): "And don't conform to this contemporary culture, but let yourself be changed by restructuring the way you think--then you will discover your Creator's most beneficial will for your life, that which brings wholeness and purpose."

Counseling is great--I don't put it down. Counselors must deal with deep-seated issues, and walk people through the process of getting out of a communication breakdown that may seem hopeless. Our church in Charleston refers families to a really great counseling center, Low Country Biblical Counseling Center.

Mentoring involves education, coaching and sharing real life experiences with another couple who recognizes that the two of you are no different from them, that is, you are vulnerable to all the same pitfalls in relationships. Mentoring will strengthen both marriages and will help couples looking towards marriage get off to a great start. Plus they know at least one understanding couple they can go to when times are tough.

Forgiveness Part I

We've talked about going the extra mile, turning the other cheek, and agreeing with your adversary "in the way", all common relationship skills, and all part of what most people call practical Christian living. These principles work in the daily grind, and help maintain peace with those we care about most.

You can certainly practice these and reap the benefits without being a Christian. The underpinning of all of these, however, is our faith. Seeing tangible results from their application will inevitably increase our faith in God, and our increased faith will surely give us confidence in applying them when the stakes are higher, and especially where the results are not as predictable.

Forgiveness is an essential element of all three. And if you would indulge me, I'll tell you about a message that demonstrated forgiveness to my generation in the best way I believe possible.

Have you ever told your teenager, "What in the world possessed you to do what you did?" Well it probably wasn't as crazy as a stunt pulled by Louis Zaperini. I met Louis in the early '70s when I was working at a Navigator camp near Visalia, California. We hosted church groups, held small conferences, and did back packing in the High Sierras for teens and college students in the summer. The best conference I remember was with Louis Zamperini speaking to a packed house of middle schoolers about forgiveness, then going up to the Sierras for some snow skiing, where Louis demonstrated some stunts for the kids, stunts much safer than the one I am going to tell you about.

So what did Louis Zamperini do that was so wild? Holding the world record for the high school mile, Louis was able to compete on the U.S. team in the 1936 Olympics in Berlin. He told me personally about climbing up on a perch in front of Hitler's Chancellory, jumping out, and grabbing hold of the huge German National flag. It wasn't political, he said; it was just a stunt. So when he was apprehended, Louis was able to convince the German authorities that it was only a prank. If you look up Louis Zamperini on Wikipedia, you see that in their account Hitler wanted personally to meet Louis after his run, although he finished eighth.

In World War II, Zamperini was a bombadier aboard an aircraft that was downed in the Pacific, and he spent 47 days adrift on a life boat until he was finally picked up by the Japanese. He was interned in a war camp, and after the war he was encouraged by Billy Graham to return to Japan as a missionary; on his return to Japan, he even spoke to some of the Japanese guards who remembered him and elected to hear his message.

So Louis Zamperini had a lot of credibility with the packed out room full of middle schoolers. He had credibility talking about forgiveness because he had forgiven the Japanese who imprisoned him during the war. Louis spoke from the scriptures, and there are a lot of scriptures on the subject of forgiveness. When I hear a sermon, I usually forget the commentary, and remember the scriptural points. But in Zamperini's case, I remember the lesson of his life, as I am sure all the young people did as well.

In part two of the topic of forgiveness, I plan to return to the important topic of forgiveness within marriage, and the resistance that comes to forgiveness when there are repeated offenses.

Going the Extra Mile

Do you have a great story about customer service--about going the extra mile? Mine concerns my late mother's lunch out with some other "seasoned-citizens" in Dalton, Georgia. The ladies finished their meal, and were standing in the doorway of the restaurant, staring out into a North Georgia rainstorm, with not a single umbrella among them. Right across the street, bank president Marshall Mauldin gazed out his third story window, saw the ladies' predicament, grabbed his huge golf umbrella and rushed down several flights of stairs and across the street. After the ladies were escorted to their car, and were driving out of the parking lot, one turned to my mom and said, "I'm moving my money tomorrow!" My mom didn't have the heart to say that Marshall was my boyhood friend, and Marshall grew up with her encouragement, such as, "Don't worry about making all A's, Marshall; you'll be loaning all those guys their money some day."--and she was right!

No statement of Jesus has been more incorporated into our daily culture than this one. Everyone has a great story about client service, customer service, going the extra mile for the boss, and so on. Christians are called to be salt and light in our culture. But is it accurate to apply this saying just to customer service?

Consider the historical setting this saying is drawn from. A Roman soldier traveling to a new assignment in Israel with his earthly belongings in a huge backpack could request a local citizen, probably a teenager, to carry his pack one mile. Now if you know anything about teens, you know sometimes they have other interests; and even as parents, we often have to get in line for their time. I can visualize that soldier as the end of the mile approaches, and the teen begs off. "This is where we always stop," I can hear one say. The soldier is incredulous - "We've got a quarter-mile to go." The soldier has seen much combat, but he is no match for this particular teen's stubborn nature; so he gives up the argument, and starts looking for someone else to snatch up for the job. The soldier is far from home, and arguments with locals make him feel even further away from family.

The next teen has a friendly disposition, but the soldier is not in a chatty mood. As they approach the end of the first mile in silence, the soldier starts eying the teen out of the corner of his eye, waiting for some kind of shirking. At a mile and a quarter, the soldier grants him leave, but the teen keeps going. The soldier wonders; who is this kid? What's his home town. What's his family like? The teen receives a quick tour of the world, courtesy of one who has seen it all. The teen has learned the joy of hospitality; his will be the friendly face the soldier looks for his next time through.

I like to imagine two brothers discussing the soldiers and their various reactions. Then they stop mid sentence; their jaws drop; their eyes brighten; "Maybe this will work on dad!"

Teens who took this encouragement from Jesus would win a benefactor or two for their communities and families. Whether it was a soldier or a dad, each friend would now aspire to their God-given calling as protectors instead of "hasslers".

But if you think you can win every one's heart by just doing more, you have forgotten that this is something you do with someone, not necessarily for someone. Some will never be pleased by what you do. So focus on doing it with them, not for them. Your objective is to make a friend, not win over a customer.

Consider the efficacy of this tool; it enables one to cross a vast distance across racial, cultural, and religious divides. It is quintessential peacemaking. And sometimes the greatest cultural divide is between a teen and a parent. It has been a wonderful privilege to see teens embrace this attitude of service over the years. They are sincere and amazingly consistent, demonstrating that teens are the most trainable, the quickest to rise to a challenge, and the most encouraged by positive feedback; a teen's work ethic can surprise and challenge us all.

Understanding Gun Violence

People generally think of turning the other cheek as putting us in a position of weakness. The contrary is true, however; our adversaries expect us to act defensively, and they are taken aback by an unexpected response. They are caught off guard. It puts us in a position of strength, and gives us an opportunity to plan our next move. (In the following examples, please keep in mind that we are talking about everyday people caught up in potential or situational violence, not hard core gangsters, terrorists, chronic domestic violence, or serial killers.)

When we last looked at Turning the Other Cheek, "Followup" segment, we considered the case where Jesus was met with an angry mob who had picked up rocks and was ready to stone him. His response, "For which of my good works do you stone me?" changed the atmosphere such that he could talk about issues. And that is the whole purpose of turning the other cheek: We de-escalate a situation. We do so by asking the other person to stop and judge us in yet another way.

The person may have already judged us, and may want to punish us by escalating to something hurtful, either by what they say (condemning, ridiculing), or how they say it (a louder or more threatening tone). These situations can quickly escalate to the threat of physical violence, as it did with Jesus.

I want to talk about two additional results of Jesus turning the other cheek. The first was that it gave him time to execute his exit strategy. When Jesus was later facing arrest and death on the cross, he told the disciples that he could ask his Father, and He would send legions of angels to deliver him (although we know that was not his plan). But in most of his life, as in our lives, Jesus relied on natural means for his protection and his needs. He walked on water once; he got in a boat and asked the disciples to launch out many times.

Jesus' exit strategy was strange. We are told by the gospel writer that Jesus walked through their midst. I always saw that as miraculous. But there is something in this situation that is highly applicable to today's gun violence.

Gavin De Becker, a noted threat authority, says that as a child he saw one family member shoot another on more than one occasion. He learned that when the person backs away from the target, it meant that they would soon fire the weapon. The principle is, that guns (and in Jesus' case, stones) are very impersonal weapons at a distance. Up close, most people would not shoot. That is why many people are shot running from an assailant. So my point is, that by moving toward those who threatened him, Jesus secured an advantage for his safety.

The second additional result of Jesus turning the other cheek was that he personalized himself. These people perhaps knew Jesus at a distance. His engaging them on a personal level about his good works and his mission in this world made him more of a flesh-and-blood person, instead of an impersonal news maker.

I saw this vividly back in the late 60's on a trip to an Alabama state park with our Boy Scout troop; it was made up of kids from a federal housing project next to Georgia Tech. Some graduate students were along on this trip, and it was a mixed-race troop of scouts--not unusual for Atlanta, but extremely unusual for this Alabama community. First, someone released the brake on one of our vehicles; we returned after our swim to find it perched on the curb with the rear wheels off the ground.

We towed the car off its perch, left the park, and stopped to pick some plums at an orchard. A group of young guys, 18 to 20-ish, stopped their car, and I walked down and greeted them in a friendly way. The fact that there were three in the front seat and three in the back should have clued me to the fact that their purpose was not recreational. One told me that people would shoot us for bringing an integrated group into the park (not their exact words, as you can guess). I was so naive that I thought they were just helping us out by making us aware of this threat. So I thanked them profusely. I told them who we were, where we were from, and that we had permission to pick the plums. They didn't say anything more, and drove off. The other Tech students, including one whose father was a chief of police, got very excited when I told them what was said. But I know that my friendly, chatty manner kept that situation from escalating. I owed it all to my being so naive, and to some very effective guardian angels, who also had a great sense of humor, apparently.

Since then I have felt great empathy for those who had to live under the type of intimidation and fear that we saw in that particular Alabama community. I also felt a sense of loss for the teens who so narrowed their horizons by learning the ways of their parents in perpetuating that violence.

My hope is that teens as well as adults will learn skills of avoiding and of de-escalating violence--skills that become so second nature to them that they become automatic when there is little time to think.

Communication Breakdown

Every marriage or other family relationship, friendship, and business partnership at one point or another will suffer a communication breakdown. It's the proverbial doghouse. We don't come out for a loooong time--things are tense, people are not talking, and resolving seems impossible.

The other party may seem to be nit picky, making us jump through hoops, not caring about resolving, and have a never-ending list of wrongs. Couples who experience this often may think they are in two separate worlds; often, they come to the conclusion that they have grown apart; they are not the same people who fell in love and got married.

I once asked a couple experiencing this to consider a biblical point: If Jesus is the Great Physician, why not accept his diagnosis?

The scripture I am introducing is where Jesus gives an illustration of a situation that results in a lawsuit. He says, "Make peace quickly with your adversary, or else, your adversary will deliver you to the judge, the judge to the jailer, and you will be thrown into prison. I am telling you the truth, you won't come out of that prison until you have paid the last cent." (my paraphrase, but you can read this yourself in the Sermon on the Mount in the Gospel of Matthew, chapter 5.)

Now that prison sounds a little like our doghouse, doesn't it? Jesus is using the pain of financial distress and debtors' prison to describe the pain of not resolving issues while we are "in the way" with someone we care about. Paying the last "cent" describes how petty and endless the list of wrongs can be.

In the context of those times, your ox gores someone else's ox as you unload produce from your farm. You can settle there, on the spot, for the damages; or, you can deny liability, and hope your adversary won't drag you to court.

It is so much easier to resolve "in the way". It costs less, and when you are done, there is not this lingering fear that things are going to get much worse.

When we don't resolve quickly, things build up until there is a list of wrongs. Many are petty, and it is very difficult and painful to go down that list. Sometimes a counselor is helpful to get through the list, if you can find one committed to your marriage. How much better it is to resolve "in the way".

I discussed this principle with a young married engineer I worked with. He was studying the bible, but couldn't come to believe that his wife was an "adversary". He acknowledged that as he and his wife grew in their faith, their communication breakdowns were becoming less frequent and were not lasting as long. Most churches and counselors do teach couples to resolve matters quickly, and not to go to bed mad.

There are benefits to understanding this passage. Number one, we will be ever so vigilant because we understand that Jesus is using a very painful situation to describe the pain of not resolving in the way.

The second reason for applying the verse is that we are not likely to blame "drifting apart", or our partner for not being appreciative or considerate. We are more likely to say, "This pain is because we did not resolve the matter when we should have."

A third reason is that when confronted with this list, and with failures that seem all so petty, we will (I am speaking to the guys, here) MAN UP, and patiently go down that list, without whining about jumping through endless hoops.

If we realize that in a recent situation we did not resolve in the way, (my wife just reminded me of this need) then get back in the way with that spouse, co-worker, friend, business partner, or team-mate and resolve quickly. Ask forgiveness.

It always helps to have an accurate diagnosis; for a communication breakdown, Jesus seems to provide one. If you have an example of where this principle has helped you, please post a comment.

Is Tradition the Enemy of Truth?

First, let's establish the fact that we are not talking about church tradition. We are talking about every-day actions, that cumulatively form a tradition of how people behave.


There are two examples of this that readily come to mind in the scriptures. One deals directly in this area of peace.


In the Sermon on the Mount, where I am taking most of Jesus' sayings (Gospel of Matthew, chapters 5, 6, and 7), Jesus said something like this (to paraphrase), "You know that most people are saying Eye for and Eye, and Tooth for Tooth; but, I am telling you, do not resist an evil person." Jesus then talks about: turning the other cheek, going the extra mile, and loving one's enemies.


Now when Moses gave the command Eye-for-Eye, and Tooth-for-Tooth, it was in the context of the administration of justice - i.e., that in court, the punishment should fit the crime. Moses, as God's spokesperson, was saying that it was wrong to chop off someone's hand for petty theft. Moses would also say it was wrong to slap a man's wrist, as often happens today, for beating up his wife.


But this rule, that applied to judicial situations, was being applied in personal situations. Jesus was addressing the tradition, or practice, of using this biblical quotation to justify paying people back for everyday wrongs. Someone told me once, "I don't get even, I get ahead!" And that's the attitude Jesus was addressing.

Jesus also addressed another tradition of dedicating money "to God" that one would otherwise use to help his or her elderly parents. Jesus said that their traditions were being put before the commandment of God, notably, one of the Ten Commandments, to honor their father and mother. They were in effect, nullifying God's command to follow their own tradition.

So that is one reason we need to get a FRESH LOOK at Jesus' sayings, because they have in many cases been nullified or minimized by centuries of tradition. That fresh look is the goal of this blog.

Look at it this way: If Jesus is called the Prince of Peace, then his followers should be making a big impact on this country in the way of bringing about peace within our families and on our streets. (And many Christians are impacting their communities in this way.) Perhaps we need to dust off these sayings and see how we can really apply them. What do you think?

Turning the Other Cheek Followup

Here are some typical questions that arise


1. When did Jesus turn the other cheek? That's a good question, because we would expect Jesus to demonstrate every principle he encouraged his disciples to follow.

One example is this. When responding to persecution, Jesus said, "For which of my good works do you persecute me?" Now this response was in the vein of turning the other cheek, in that it invited an examination and judgement on the part of his detractors.

This response brought about several things.

First, it got the conflict out of the physical arena--because they were about to stone him--into the conflict of ideas and issues. For us, that's always the objective. We want to de-escalate from fists to a discussion of what went wrong, or why this person has a beef with us.

Secondly, it pointed out the incongruity of their persecution. Jesus had done good things; he had healed, he had fed, he had taught, he had encouraged the faint hearted. Instead of a defensive, How dare you persecute me? --he responded with a simple request to examine his good works.


2. A Second question arises about abusive relationships. And this is important because truly abusive relationships are dangerous. Many people are killed by a boyfriend or spouse because of an abusive relationship. Gavin de Becker, a foremost U.S. authority on threats, says that a woman in an abusive relationship has a shorter life expectancy than a woman on death row. So a person in an abusive relationship needs to get to a place of safety. (De Becker's book, The Gift of Fear: And Other Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence is excellent).

Turning the other cheek is for other situations, ranging from great marriages, to situational domestic violence. The latter is where things just seem to always escalate between two people.


3. The third question arises from our normal or traditional thinking about this concept. Isn't this for the situation where one is persecuted for being a Christian, and about to be sent into the arena to fight lions, as occurred in ancient Rome. I would answer two ways. The first is that we can't expect to suddenly apply a biblical principle in some distant glorious moment. We won't understand it. We need to apply it on a daily basis with our friends, co-workers, and family members, so when the time of real testing comes, we'll have the insight to use it.

Secondly, don't forget, that turning the other cheek is what we do BEFORE there is violence. We de-escalate by inviting examination and judgment, instead of escalating with defensiveness.

4. So how do we correct the behaviour of the person who is doing the "hitting"? Well, we first correct our own behaviour, that is, our defensiveness, which is part of what drives the escalation. When we are sincere, turning the other cheek frequently gives us a secure platform from which to address the other person's wrongs. However, turning the other cheek sometimes by itself will bring about an openness about his or her own fault in the matter.

When slandered, Jesus did not slander in return. He said some powerful things to his persecutors, but it was to speak to their consciences, and not to "one up" them.

AND NOW, please leave a response, especially if you have tried this, regardless of what ensued as a result.

Turn the Other Cheek

Jesus said to turn the other cheek. So, was being slapped on the cheek something that happens once in a lifetime, or something we have to deal with daily?

I believe that most of Jesus' important principles were meant for daily use. Take "Go the extra mile". We hear daily that others are trying to go the extra mile to serve us in come capacity, or the boss is telling us to go the extra mile to help a client.

Turning the other cheek is a concept for daily use. It is the primary means to stop an altercation with another person from escalating.

Our natural tendency is to be defensive. We are criticized, so we protest. Our defense puts up a wall the other person tries to go over; they do this by getting louder. Our defense gets louder, or rather, the wall gets higher, and a greater effort must be made by the other person to go higher, get louder.

What if we said, "Why are you raising your voice? Was I not listening to what you said?"

We then are asking the other person to judge us (slap the other cheek) by evaluating our listening. We are not being doormats. We are confronting a wrong--but in the nicest possible way. We are saying that their yelling is not acceptable. But we are doing it by asking them to judge how we were listening.

This is just one example. By confronting a wrong, we are not being timid, but strong. We are asking the other person to judge us in another aspect of our behaviour.

If I address some perceived fault of my dear wife, and she says, "Is there anything else I need to ask forgiveness for?", she is turning the other cheek.

No one says this is easy, or that it is learned overnight, or that it will instantly cure every bad relationship we have. It takes a lifetime to learn. It may not stop violence but it is our best shot, if used sincerely and not manipulatively.

What do you think? Send a tweet if you have a comment (@wmacvvg) or add a comment below. We'll talk more on this subject in the blog.