Next Obama Speech: Youth Violence

Long before President Obama recently addressed school children, I had wanted a sitting president to address the subject of youth violence directly with our young people. There is good precedence for an Obama speech on this topic. Solomon, the wisest of ancient kings, addressed the youth of his day very directly on the subject of violence. Solomon was sought out by other monarchs (notably, the Queen of Sheba), and was paid handsomely for his Management Seminars; his writings are full of references to violence prevention--an important topic for heads of state.

Throughout his life, Solomon collected proverbs, those pithy, earthy sayings like our "a stitch in time will save you nine"--Benjamin Franklin. Solomon compiled these into a complete book to which he added little sermonettes, some of which would come under the heading of "What parents should tell their kids", since each one begins with "My son....". These lessons are essential tools for fatherhood and parenting.

In the Book of Proverbs, Solomon's first appeal is to avoid people who will get you in trouble. It doesn't take long to discover that the illustrated trouble is armed robbery--not the first thing we think of when talking with our kids. But the lesson is clear, and I will summarize it here:

Proverbs, chapter 1: "their feet run to evil" - this means that people skilled in something are going to do it faster than you can think the words, "maybe I'd better leave." A carpenter friend shows up at your house when you are working on a project; faster than you can say it, this person has a hammer in his hand. If you in the company of an experienced felon, and he or she sees the opportunity, a bad deed is done, and you are implicated, although it happened faster than you could think.

Kids always think that there is time to back out, like the good kids did on the TV show, "Walker, Texas Ranger". In that series, there was always a kid who had remorse, and at the right moment would change sides while a crime was in progress. But life is not like a TV show, unfortunately; when a crime is in progress, things happen too fast. Pretty soon, a group of older teens is standing before a bond judge--then there's time for remorse.

Another issue is gun violence: Because it's effective at a distance, the gun becomes too impersonal to be used with restraint. It is too easy to use. The person who would never hurt anyone has done the unthinkable. Solomon puts it like this: "They hasten to shed blood." It always happens too fast. The novice thinks that he won't shoot, and his more experienced partner in crime promises the same. Adrenalin, hard hearts, the heat of the moment--all take over, and someone who wasn't supposed to get hurt is lying in a pool of blood. And it gets repeated again the next night with another naive youth who gets in league with a criminal.

The solution, according to Solomon, is to "avoid their path", which I paraphrase as, "Don't let your feet get mixed up with their feet." As Jesus put it, "If your foot offends you, cut it off." Jesus meant, that we have to be ruthless with ourselves to stay out of trouble. This is true with any addiction, and violence is certainly one of the chief addictions, as a read through Proverbs will reveal.

The concept in Proverbs describes what you do with your feet. If your feet get mixed up with a troublemaker, you are going to get into trouble. On the other hand, if your feet get mixed up with someone on the way to swim practice, band practice, dance class, or horse camp, sometime someone is going to put a trumpet in your hand, you are going to dance, you are going to swim, or you are going to ride--am I right? But no one is going to come to your house and put a trumpet in your hand; you are not going to wake up on the sofa with a horse nibbling your hair. That is the concept of feet--the good and the bad of it.

The young person can get his or her feet mixed up with kids who are going places. A summer camp is a great place to do exciting things. Don and Debi Ethridge have a camp near Jackson, Mississippi called New Life. They recruit kids who could not otherwise afford to go to camp. They have horses, and for some kids it is quite a hurdle to get over their fears of horses. But horse people (like Debi) have a special patience that transcends definition, and these kids are soon enjoying those treks through the pines. They got their feet mixed up with with feet that were on the way to camp, and ended up on a horse.

For Christians, who believe the scriptures are God-breathed, i.e., directly inspired, Proverbs uniquely retains the personality and breadth of insight of an intriguing head of state. These directives have stood the test of time; moreover, they are more current than tomorrow's newspaper. Any sitting president would do well to model his appeals after those of this world-class leader, who was also a great man of peace.

Forgiveness Part II

My wife, Mary, and I enjoy marriage mentoring. Mentoring is where a couple meets with another couple and basically says, "This is what we do." Mentoring does not replace counseling, but it can be very good in communicating relationship skills, especially to young couples just starting out their lives together. After I talk about one mentoring program, I want to discuss the very important situation of where forgiveness seems to wear out because the displeasing behaviour continues.

One of the best mentoring programs is Marriage Savers. Mary, who is a program director with a non-profit, had a grant to bring a marriage mentoring program to South Carolina. We took Marriage Savers to small groups in 6 cities, and many of the churches and groups we trained are still mentoring young couples. I wish I could say that I trained; actually, I made some really great coffee, which I could go on about, but that's not our purpose. (Mary can really stretch a dollar - she did 6 cities where most programs did one.)

Mike and Harriet McManus are the Co-Founders of Marriage Savers, and brought their excellent training to our groups. Basically, the idea is to set up mentoring couples in churches, and to have pastors in a community agree that every couple seeking to be married will have a specified minimum amount of pre-marital counseling or mentoring. It has been thoroughly enjoyable for every mentoring couple I know, and it benefits the young couples involved. The results for Marriage Savers are phenomenal; there is a measurable impact on the divorce rate in many areas of our country where communities have embraced the program in big way.

If Mary and I are talking to a married couple who has some difficulty in their relationship, we practice with them keeping short accounts. That's agreeing with your adversary quickly, "in the way" as described in Jesus' illustration, the subject of a previous blog. We emphasize the pain of not resolving "in the way", and that pain is like a debtor's prison from which we don't emerge until the least cent (or most minuscule infraction) is dearly paid for.

We don't believe in couples coming to let counselors fix their spouses. They gather up all the infractions for the week, and lay them at the counselor's feet. The goal of mentoring is to get couples to talk to each other. They ask forgiveness for known offenses. Pretty soon, they do it before they meet with their mentoring couple.

But inevitably, couples who have relationship difficulties tire of this forgiveness. It is normal. We see it in the New Testament gospels, where Peter said to Jesus, "How many times should I forgive my brother--seven times?" To this, Jesus responded, "No, until seventy times seven." In other words, don't keep count. The important truth from this that applies to all couples, young and old, is that change in a partner won't come as quickly as we think it should. It may not come in a way that we can measure. But change will come.

The change comes when a person has other people who are committed to his success, who hold him (or her) accountable. That person is in a good church where there is an emphasis on change, such as is embodied in the verse in Paul's Letter to the Romans, chapter 12 (my paraphrase): "And don't conform to this contemporary culture, but let yourself be changed by restructuring the way you think--then you will discover your Creator's most beneficial will for your life, that which brings wholeness and purpose."

Counseling is great--I don't put it down. Counselors must deal with deep-seated issues, and walk people through the process of getting out of a communication breakdown that may seem hopeless. Our church in Charleston refers families to a really great counseling center, Low Country Biblical Counseling Center.

Mentoring involves education, coaching and sharing real life experiences with another couple who recognizes that the two of you are no different from them, that is, you are vulnerable to all the same pitfalls in relationships. Mentoring will strengthen both marriages and will help couples looking towards marriage get off to a great start. Plus they know at least one understanding couple they can go to when times are tough.

Forgiveness Part I

We've talked about going the extra mile, turning the other cheek, and agreeing with your adversary "in the way", all common relationship skills, and all part of what most people call practical Christian living. These principles work in the daily grind, and help maintain peace with those we care about most.

You can certainly practice these and reap the benefits without being a Christian. The underpinning of all of these, however, is our faith. Seeing tangible results from their application will inevitably increase our faith in God, and our increased faith will surely give us confidence in applying them when the stakes are higher, and especially where the results are not as predictable.

Forgiveness is an essential element of all three. And if you would indulge me, I'll tell you about a message that demonstrated forgiveness to my generation in the best way I believe possible.

Have you ever told your teenager, "What in the world possessed you to do what you did?" Well it probably wasn't as crazy as a stunt pulled by Louis Zaperini. I met Louis in the early '70s when I was working at a Navigator camp near Visalia, California. We hosted church groups, held small conferences, and did back packing in the High Sierras for teens and college students in the summer. The best conference I remember was with Louis Zamperini speaking to a packed house of middle schoolers about forgiveness, then going up to the Sierras for some snow skiing, where Louis demonstrated some stunts for the kids, stunts much safer than the one I am going to tell you about.

So what did Louis Zamperini do that was so wild? Holding the world record for the high school mile, Louis was able to compete on the U.S. team in the 1936 Olympics in Berlin. He told me personally about climbing up on a perch in front of Hitler's Chancellory, jumping out, and grabbing hold of the huge German National flag. It wasn't political, he said; it was just a stunt. So when he was apprehended, Louis was able to convince the German authorities that it was only a prank. If you look up Louis Zamperini on Wikipedia, you see that in their account Hitler wanted personally to meet Louis after his run, although he finished eighth.

In World War II, Zamperini was a bombadier aboard an aircraft that was downed in the Pacific, and he spent 47 days adrift on a life boat until he was finally picked up by the Japanese. He was interned in a war camp, and after the war he was encouraged by Billy Graham to return to Japan as a missionary; on his return to Japan, he even spoke to some of the Japanese guards who remembered him and elected to hear his message.

So Louis Zamperini had a lot of credibility with the packed out room full of middle schoolers. He had credibility talking about forgiveness because he had forgiven the Japanese who imprisoned him during the war. Louis spoke from the scriptures, and there are a lot of scriptures on the subject of forgiveness. When I hear a sermon, I usually forget the commentary, and remember the scriptural points. But in Zamperini's case, I remember the lesson of his life, as I am sure all the young people did as well.

In part two of the topic of forgiveness, I plan to return to the important topic of forgiveness within marriage, and the resistance that comes to forgiveness when there are repeated offenses.

Going the Extra Mile

Do you have a great story about customer service--about going the extra mile? Mine concerns my late mother's lunch out with some other "seasoned-citizens" in Dalton, Georgia. The ladies finished their meal, and were standing in the doorway of the restaurant, staring out into a North Georgia rainstorm, with not a single umbrella among them. Right across the street, bank president Marshall Mauldin gazed out his third story window, saw the ladies' predicament, grabbed his huge golf umbrella and rushed down several flights of stairs and across the street. After the ladies were escorted to their car, and were driving out of the parking lot, one turned to my mom and said, "I'm moving my money tomorrow!" My mom didn't have the heart to say that Marshall was my boyhood friend, and Marshall grew up with her encouragement, such as, "Don't worry about making all A's, Marshall; you'll be loaning all those guys their money some day."--and she was right!

No statement of Jesus has been more incorporated into our daily culture than this one. Everyone has a great story about client service, customer service, going the extra mile for the boss, and so on. Christians are called to be salt and light in our culture. But is it accurate to apply this saying just to customer service?

Consider the historical setting this saying is drawn from. A Roman soldier traveling to a new assignment in Israel with his earthly belongings in a huge backpack could request a local citizen, probably a teenager, to carry his pack one mile. Now if you know anything about teens, you know sometimes they have other interests; and even as parents, we often have to get in line for their time. I can visualize that soldier as the end of the mile approaches, and the teen begs off. "This is where we always stop," I can hear one say. The soldier is incredulous - "We've got a quarter-mile to go." The soldier has seen much combat, but he is no match for this particular teen's stubborn nature; so he gives up the argument, and starts looking for someone else to snatch up for the job. The soldier is far from home, and arguments with locals make him feel even further away from family.

The next teen has a friendly disposition, but the soldier is not in a chatty mood. As they approach the end of the first mile in silence, the soldier starts eying the teen out of the corner of his eye, waiting for some kind of shirking. At a mile and a quarter, the soldier grants him leave, but the teen keeps going. The soldier wonders; who is this kid? What's his home town. What's his family like? The teen receives a quick tour of the world, courtesy of one who has seen it all. The teen has learned the joy of hospitality; his will be the friendly face the soldier looks for his next time through.

I like to imagine two brothers discussing the soldiers and their various reactions. Then they stop mid sentence; their jaws drop; their eyes brighten; "Maybe this will work on dad!"

Teens who took this encouragement from Jesus would win a benefactor or two for their communities and families. Whether it was a soldier or a dad, each friend would now aspire to their God-given calling as protectors instead of "hasslers".

But if you think you can win every one's heart by just doing more, you have forgotten that this is something you do with someone, not necessarily for someone. Some will never be pleased by what you do. So focus on doing it with them, not for them. Your objective is to make a friend, not win over a customer.

Consider the efficacy of this tool; it enables one to cross a vast distance across racial, cultural, and religious divides. It is quintessential peacemaking. And sometimes the greatest cultural divide is between a teen and a parent. It has been a wonderful privilege to see teens embrace this attitude of service over the years. They are sincere and amazingly consistent, demonstrating that teens are the most trainable, the quickest to rise to a challenge, and the most encouraged by positive feedback; a teen's work ethic can surprise and challenge us all.

Understanding Gun Violence

People generally think of turning the other cheek as putting us in a position of weakness. The contrary is true, however; our adversaries expect us to act defensively, and they are taken aback by an unexpected response. They are caught off guard. It puts us in a position of strength, and gives us an opportunity to plan our next move. (In the following examples, please keep in mind that we are talking about everyday people caught up in potential or situational violence, not hard core gangsters, terrorists, chronic domestic violence, or serial killers.)

When we last looked at Turning the Other Cheek, "Followup" segment, we considered the case where Jesus was met with an angry mob who had picked up rocks and was ready to stone him. His response, "For which of my good works do you stone me?" changed the atmosphere such that he could talk about issues. And that is the whole purpose of turning the other cheek: We de-escalate a situation. We do so by asking the other person to stop and judge us in yet another way.

The person may have already judged us, and may want to punish us by escalating to something hurtful, either by what they say (condemning, ridiculing), or how they say it (a louder or more threatening tone). These situations can quickly escalate to the threat of physical violence, as it did with Jesus.

I want to talk about two additional results of Jesus turning the other cheek. The first was that it gave him time to execute his exit strategy. When Jesus was later facing arrest and death on the cross, he told the disciples that he could ask his Father, and He would send legions of angels to deliver him (although we know that was not his plan). But in most of his life, as in our lives, Jesus relied on natural means for his protection and his needs. He walked on water once; he got in a boat and asked the disciples to launch out many times.

Jesus' exit strategy was strange. We are told by the gospel writer that Jesus walked through their midst. I always saw that as miraculous. But there is something in this situation that is highly applicable to today's gun violence.

Gavin De Becker, a noted threat authority, says that as a child he saw one family member shoot another on more than one occasion. He learned that when the person backs away from the target, it meant that they would soon fire the weapon. The principle is, that guns (and in Jesus' case, stones) are very impersonal weapons at a distance. Up close, most people would not shoot. That is why many people are shot running from an assailant. So my point is, that by moving toward those who threatened him, Jesus secured an advantage for his safety.

The second additional result of Jesus turning the other cheek was that he personalized himself. These people perhaps knew Jesus at a distance. His engaging them on a personal level about his good works and his mission in this world made him more of a flesh-and-blood person, instead of an impersonal news maker.

I saw this vividly back in the late 60's on a trip to an Alabama state park with our Boy Scout troop; it was made up of kids from a federal housing project next to Georgia Tech. Some graduate students were along on this trip, and it was a mixed-race troop of scouts--not unusual for Atlanta, but extremely unusual for this Alabama community. First, someone released the brake on one of our vehicles; we returned after our swim to find it perched on the curb with the rear wheels off the ground.

We towed the car off its perch, left the park, and stopped to pick some plums at an orchard. A group of young guys, 18 to 20-ish, stopped their car, and I walked down and greeted them in a friendly way. The fact that there were three in the front seat and three in the back should have clued me to the fact that their purpose was not recreational. One told me that people would shoot us for bringing an integrated group into the park (not their exact words, as you can guess). I was so naive that I thought they were just helping us out by making us aware of this threat. So I thanked them profusely. I told them who we were, where we were from, and that we had permission to pick the plums. They didn't say anything more, and drove off. The other Tech students, including one whose father was a chief of police, got very excited when I told them what was said. But I know that my friendly, chatty manner kept that situation from escalating. I owed it all to my being so naive, and to some very effective guardian angels, who also had a great sense of humor, apparently.

Since then I have felt great empathy for those who had to live under the type of intimidation and fear that we saw in that particular Alabama community. I also felt a sense of loss for the teens who so narrowed their horizons by learning the ways of their parents in perpetuating that violence.

My hope is that teens as well as adults will learn skills of avoiding and of de-escalating violence--skills that become so second nature to them that they become automatic when there is little time to think.