Communication Breakdown

Every marriage or other family relationship, friendship, and business partnership at one point or another will suffer a communication breakdown. It's the proverbial doghouse. We don't come out for a loooong time--things are tense, people are not talking, and resolving seems impossible.

The other party may seem to be nit picky, making us jump through hoops, not caring about resolving, and have a never-ending list of wrongs. Couples who experience this often may think they are in two separate worlds; often, they come to the conclusion that they have grown apart; they are not the same people who fell in love and got married.

I once asked a couple experiencing this to consider a biblical point: If Jesus is the Great Physician, why not accept his diagnosis?

The scripture I am introducing is where Jesus gives an illustration of a situation that results in a lawsuit. He says, "Make peace quickly with your adversary, or else, your adversary will deliver you to the judge, the judge to the jailer, and you will be thrown into prison. I am telling you the truth, you won't come out of that prison until you have paid the last cent." (my paraphrase, but you can read this yourself in the Sermon on the Mount in the Gospel of Matthew, chapter 5.)

Now that prison sounds a little like our doghouse, doesn't it? Jesus is using the pain of financial distress and debtors' prison to describe the pain of not resolving issues while we are "in the way" with someone we care about. Paying the last "cent" describes how petty and endless the list of wrongs can be.

In the context of those times, your ox gores someone else's ox as you unload produce from your farm. You can settle there, on the spot, for the damages; or, you can deny liability, and hope your adversary won't drag you to court.

It is so much easier to resolve "in the way". It costs less, and when you are done, there is not this lingering fear that things are going to get much worse.

When we don't resolve quickly, things build up until there is a list of wrongs. Many are petty, and it is very difficult and painful to go down that list. Sometimes a counselor is helpful to get through the list, if you can find one committed to your marriage. How much better it is to resolve "in the way".

I discussed this principle with a young married engineer I worked with. He was studying the bible, but couldn't come to believe that his wife was an "adversary". He acknowledged that as he and his wife grew in their faith, their communication breakdowns were becoming less frequent and were not lasting as long. Most churches and counselors do teach couples to resolve matters quickly, and not to go to bed mad.

There are benefits to understanding this passage. Number one, we will be ever so vigilant because we understand that Jesus is using a very painful situation to describe the pain of not resolving in the way.

The second reason for applying the verse is that we are not likely to blame "drifting apart", or our partner for not being appreciative or considerate. We are more likely to say, "This pain is because we did not resolve the matter when we should have."

A third reason is that when confronted with this list, and with failures that seem all so petty, we will (I am speaking to the guys, here) MAN UP, and patiently go down that list, without whining about jumping through endless hoops.

If we realize that in a recent situation we did not resolve in the way, (my wife just reminded me of this need) then get back in the way with that spouse, co-worker, friend, business partner, or team-mate and resolve quickly. Ask forgiveness.

It always helps to have an accurate diagnosis; for a communication breakdown, Jesus seems to provide one. If you have an example of where this principle has helped you, please post a comment.

Turn the Other Cheek

Jesus said to turn the other cheek. So, was being slapped on the cheek something that happens once in a lifetime, or something we have to deal with daily?

I believe that most of Jesus' important principles were meant for daily use. Take "Go the extra mile". We hear daily that others are trying to go the extra mile to serve us in come capacity, or the boss is telling us to go the extra mile to help a client.

Turning the other cheek is a concept for daily use. It is the primary means to stop an altercation with another person from escalating.

Our natural tendency is to be defensive. We are criticized, so we protest. Our defense puts up a wall the other person tries to go over; they do this by getting louder. Our defense gets louder, or rather, the wall gets higher, and a greater effort must be made by the other person to go higher, get louder.

What if we said, "Why are you raising your voice? Was I not listening to what you said?"

We then are asking the other person to judge us (slap the other cheek) by evaluating our listening. We are not being doormats. We are confronting a wrong--but in the nicest possible way. We are saying that their yelling is not acceptable. But we are doing it by asking them to judge how we were listening.

This is just one example. By confronting a wrong, we are not being timid, but strong. We are asking the other person to judge us in another aspect of our behaviour.

If I address some perceived fault of my dear wife, and she says, "Is there anything else I need to ask forgiveness for?", she is turning the other cheek.

No one says this is easy, or that it is learned overnight, or that it will instantly cure every bad relationship we have. It takes a lifetime to learn. It may not stop violence but it is our best shot, if used sincerely and not manipulatively.

What do you think? Send a tweet if you have a comment (@wmacvvg) or add a comment below. We'll talk more on this subject in the blog.