Next Obama Speech: Fatherhood and Youth Violence

We've said that President Obama's speeches to school children should address youth violence. We've shown the precedent in King Solomon appealing directly to young men to avoid violence, as well as giving in the biblical book of Proverbs a model for fathers to talk to their kids.


Solomon's important sequel to the appeal found in chapter 1 of Proverbs occurs in chapter 24.


How do they do it? Strip the net time after time from half court, and any basketball-star want-a-be will say, "How does he or she do it?" That's how chapter 24 starts out. But it deals with the topic of envy. Generally we admire someone who excels in sports because of the self discipline athletics involves. But envy does not include admiration. The drug dealer has money; we don't admire, or perhaps even like him, but if he has money, people will ask the question, "How does he do that?"


Here are the verses (my paraphrase)

Don't envy evil people,

And don't desire to be with them,

For in their minds they devise violence,

And with their lips, they talk about making trouble.

Now, in Hebrew poetry, there is a rhyming of ideas. We should see "envy" connect to devising violence; we should see "with them" connect to making trouble.


If we just ask the question about how someone makes illegal money, we might not get into trouble. But when we try to answer that question, that's when we become their disciple. And as their disciples, we will learn how to come up with a plan to make money illegally. But that's where fathers come in.


Fathers have to be alert to point out people who are both successful and are admirable. Fathers take their kids to see great athletes and musicians perform. They go to museums where past achievements in science and industry are displayed. Even at amusement parks, fathers can point out the engineering feats involved in holding up a roller coaster.


Solomon's next point is about talk. When a kid comes up on a group of friends, he talks about what they are talking about. If it's sports, he talks about Friday night's game. If it's about school, he talks about something funny that happened in class. If it's about making trouble, he talks about making trouble. And when a group of teens talks about making trouble, serious trouble happens.


Fathers can help their children avoid serious trouble by knowing when to leave, that is, when the talk turns to trouble. Fathers can help their sons and daughters have the self confidence and courage necessary to walk away before the trouble starts and before it's too late.


The next section of Proverbs chapter 24 talks about how wisdom enables one to build a house, establish home, and fill the home with wonderful things. What we fill our homes with are the stepping stones to what we do outside the home--prepare for a career, visit far away places, meet people who are shaping our world.


The current housing disaster shows how people tried to buy houses they couldn't pay for. They didn't foresee the risks, and didn't prepare adequately by paring down other debt. They looked at homes that were out of their price range. Wisdom cures that. People like Dave Ramsey and other financial gurus increase our financial literacy. Some of them work closely with couples over a period of months to get on a budget, reign in their spending, and ultimately qualify for the best loans, not the sub-prime loads that got everyone, including Wall Street billionaires, in trouble.


People build homes and then can't live together in harmony. Jesus helps us with that--turning the other cheek, going the extra mile, forgiveness--all skills necessary to establish a home.


Finally, Solomon shows how wisdom increases the resources we have. He uses the example of war, where a superior strategy, and a multitude of advisers, can make a smaller army equal to a much larger army in winning a conflict. There is safety in a superior strategy.

All of this is in contrast to the strategy of the drug dealer, which will lead a young person to prison or death. If you would fill your home with wonderful things, do it legally. You can do it legally with a superior strategy (wisdom) and hard work. This is how most of the world operates. This is the message fathers have to communicate to their children.

Violence Against Women - Part III

The third topic is closely related to domestic violence; Jesus shows that if you want to nip it in the bud, you must deal with men who control women, men who “keep them in their place” for their own selfish purposes.

The third passage is from Luke, chapter 7, and is very similar to the passage concerning the anointing by Mary, except here the woman was not an invited guest, but came in off the street. The event occurred at a very different time in Jesus' life, when he was being courted, guardedly, by the religious establishment; in this case, it was by Simon, a Pharisee.

At Simon's dinner, the woman entered after learning that Jesus was there; she wet Jesus' feet with her tears, and wiped them with her hair, then anointed them with a perfume.

Simon was oblivious to the spiritual drama before him; his only thought was to the superficial--"If Jesus were a prophet, he would have known what kind of woman she was." The amazing thing here was that Jesus proceeded to tell Simon not only what kind of woman she was, but what kind of man he was, as revealed by his secret thoughts and by the absence of certain actions.

Jesus said that Simon loved little in contrast to the woman: He did not anoint Jesus, he gave him no kiss of welcome, he did not wash Jesus' feet--all contrary to the custom of the day for an honored guest. The woman loved much, because she had been forgiven much.

Simon, like many of us, was oblivious to the drama of faith and conversion, and so he was oblivious to the One who was the author and object of that faith.

Jesus told Simon a parable of two debtors--one who owed much, and one who owed little. Both, however, were at the mercy of the moneylender because both were unable to pay. Simon may have recognized his need for forgiveness, but he did not put himself in the same level of need as this woman.

Pharisees like Simon were "control freaks"--they controlled those for whom they had spiritual accountability, but not for their ultimate good. Both the gospels and the Acts of the Apostles tell us that they these religious leaders became jealous when the people began to follow Jesus.

Jesus would not allow Simon to thwart the emerging faith in this woman; again, he nips that protest in the bud before it is even on Simon's lips. Simon would say that she was "that kind of woman" --a woman of a particular type that doesn't change. But Jesus assured the woman that she had brought special gifts that were acceptable because of her faith in the Savior; her sins, though many, were forgiven; she could go in peace. But she would not have gone in peace had Simon had his way.

We know that, in our culture, there are men who abuse the women they control; these two perversions of love and responsibility seem to feed one other. Any threat to control is an opportunity for abuse. Women in these relationships of control are reminded constantly of the "kind of women" they are, where they would be without that man; but they are rarely nurtured, and certainly not nurtured in a spiritual sense.

We are faced with the kindness of Jesus to Simon. Just as Jesus appealed, successfully, to the consciences of the crowd ready to stone the adulteress--and just as Jesus would later appeal to the consciences of the disciples and Judas who sought to shame Mary for her generous act--so we see Jesus kindly appealing to Simon. His words protected this penitent woman but prodded Simon. Simon was called to consider his dependence on the mercies of God and to agree that the lukewarm treatment of his guest (Jesus) was evidence of his deeper spiritual need.

It is worth noting that Jesus was able to speak to Simon because he was a guest at a meal. Not many individuals like Simon are going to read a Christian newsletter. Christ's disciples are going to have to be out in the trenches to speak to the consciences of our generation--one by one--as Jesus did. We can also use mealtime with our spouses and children to address the worldly attitudes toward women which inevitably surface.

We can be thankful for those who teach young women how to say "no" to relationships of control, say "no" to violence, and say "no" to molds that from their births seem to banish hope for any different kind of life. We can be thankful for those who nurture fragile faith with the many assurances that "He who began a good work in you will perform it until the day of Christ Jesus". And we can be thankful for the Apostle Paul, once a "Pharisee of the Pharisees", who is evidence that the "Simon's", too, can be redeemed by Christ.

Violence Against Women - Part II

In the first passage, I tried to show how Jesus protected a woman threatened with stoning for adultery. She was a mere pawn in someone's political agenda--that of discrediting Christ. Jesus appealed to the conscience of the crowd when He said, "Let him without sin cast the first stone."

The second passage, from Mark's gospel, chapter 14, and the parallel passage in John 12, describe Jesus' response to the disciples who tried to put a big "guilt trip" on a dinner host, Mary, for "wasting" a large container of perfume she had poured out on Jesus. While Mark shows all the disciples' involvement, John's gospel brings out the fact that Judas was at the root of this harassment. Judas manipulated this woman and the other disciples because he was a thief, and wanted to profit from this gift.

The amount was large; it was a container that would have been purchased by a retailer from a wholesaler or a caravan. It had to be "broken" because it was hermetically sealed at the source--somewhere near India--to prevent tampering, i.e., someone's diluting the product as it passed through the many hands of trade. It was sealed to prevent exploitation of the purchaser--the very objective of Judas.

The sad thing was that Mary was doing what the disciples and everyone else should have been doing--honoring the perfect, sinless Son of God for the sacrifice of himself on the cross, a preparation for his death and burial. Her unselfish, caring, worshipful attitude contrasted sharply with the ugly self-seeking and shameful theatrics of Judas. The rest of the disciples were unknowingly carried along by this skillful, professional manipulator.

While we see Jesus taking the disciples aside for private correction in other passages, Jesus in this passage was instant and direct in his rebuke. "Let her alone!" This is what the church should be saying to men who abuse women. We should not be embarrassed for these men or coddle them.

Some husbands and boyfriends abuse women with this day-after-day weapon of guilt. Mothers have their service to their families thrown up in their faces in the same way Judas manipulated Mary: "Why was this not sold and the money given to the poor?" Like Judas, men who abuse women have their own selfishness at the root of their manipulation.

"Why are you bothering her?" Jesus said. This is the very question Judas should have asked himself; he knew the answer, for Jesus spoke to his conscience. I suppose the other disciples were brought to contrition by Jesus' unusually strong rebuke. But Judas' next steps, as we see in verse 10 of Mark 14, were to the chief priests in betrayal of his friend and teacher.

But Jesus honored Mary with his words. The others could "help the poor" at any time, with their own resources. Jesus said that Mary "did what she could", meaning that she used her own resources in contrast to the disciples who speculated about what "could have been done" for the poor, with someone else's resources. Mary sought to give Christ a memorial; Jesus left a memorial for her in stating that wherever the gospel was preached, her unselfish act would be spoken of.

Jesus demonstrated what our response should be in protecting women; we, as church officers, friends, and counselors, should be careful that we don't beat them up again. We should extol their good deeds; we should honor them. Many men (including teenagers) have been guilty of abusing girlfriends, wives and mothers this way--of turning a deed of service into some kind of offense.

We should remember that if Jesus had said nothing, this weapon of guilt formulated by Judas, and hurled by the rest of the disciples, would have been successful in bringing Mary down; her good deed would have been in her own eyes as something bad--a memorial to her own selfishness or poor judgment.

We see in these passages (including from the previous blog) that Jesus stood up for women who are victims of a political agenda, or of a selfish personal agenda. Hopefully we will be ready to defend the weak when these common scenarios present themselves. Is there any question that Jesus is calling his church and Christians everwhere to prevent domestic violence.

Violence Against Women - Part I

Many of us do not think of Jesus as a protector of women. When we see the abuse of women in our culture, we don't have a Biblical solution because scriptures related to the subject do not come to mind. I would like to help by addressing three passages that relate to Jesus dealing with violence against women, with domestic violence issues, and with exploitation of women.

The first example clearly shows how Jesus protected a woman who was the victim of someone's political agenda. The passage is in the eighth chapter of John's gospel, where we see a woman "taken in the act of adultery". The Old Testament proscribed stoning for adultery. What did Jesus say?

First of all, we know that the crowd, at least the instigators, were seeking an opportunity to trap Jesus--either to have him repudiate the law of Moses, and thus God's authority, or to have him promote stoning outside the jurisdiction of the Roman authorities. The former would discredit him in the eyes of the people; the latter would provide a basis to accuse Jesus of initiating rebellion.

The amazing thing was this: the woman was simply a means to achieve their end. She was set up. These people had an air of spiritual indignation against her sin; some may have been sincere but were themselves used by those who plotted Jesus' downfall. But in this indignation, whether superficial or real, there was a total lack of concern for real justice (for where was the man involved in the adultery?). And there was a total lack of concern for the woman--no concern that she live a wholesome life, and no concern that she come to terms with her guilt before God for her part in the affair.

Jesus protected the woman by appealing to the consciences of the crowd: "Let him without sin cast the first stone." Regardless of their sincerity, these people had a double standard--they were hypocrites. The crowd disbanded, beginning with the oldest.

Then Jesus showed his concern for the woman and for her shame before God and those present. He showed the concern that should have been shown by those who had spiritual oversight and direct knowledge of the sin. Instead of using her, the leaders should have headed off this and any other sin on the woman's part; but they were the ones who allowed sin to fester and exploited it for their own purposes. But Jesus spoke of forgiveness: "Neither do I condemn you." Then he measured out an appropriate, effective admonition: "Go and sin no more."

I have to believe that the admonition was, in this case, appropriate adjudication of the law by the Lord of grace. In any case, we know that Jesus' response sprang from a genuine concern for her, for her needed assurance of the grace of God, and for her continued walk with the Lord who would go to the cross for both her and our sins. We know Jesus was sincere. And we know the results: she was protected from the violence of this mob and from her own destructive lifestyle.

One twist to this situation is that Jesus bent down and wrote on the ground when the men first demanded an answer to the stoning question. He seemed to ignore the question. At this point they began to ask rather than demand an answer. It became apparent to the crowd, and importantly, to the woman, that Jesus did not have to answer anything. The fact that he did answer conveyed to this woman that he was willing to put his life on the line for her—they could have stoned him.

As to writing on the ground, many scholars believe that Jesus was writing the names of women that these men had consorted with. I don’t know the answer to that; but I do know that if he didn’t write those names, Jesus assuredly wanted those names to come to mind, for his statement about those without sin casting the first stone spoke right to their consciences and to their double standard.

Of course, this passage from John chapter 8 is relevant in the sense that we tend to be hypocrites and overlook our own sins in condemning others.

But it is relevant also to the abuse of women in our culture because of the finality of Jesus’ protection. Jesus asked, “Does any man condemn you?” She replied that there were none. This sealed in her mind the fact that she did not have to look over her shoulder for someone coming after her the next day. The matter was ended. But women who are physically abused or threatened in our culture learn to live in constant fear. Even if their attackers are in prison, letters and phone calls from them can terrorize the victims long after the actual physical torment has ended.

We as Christian men and women need to dedicate ourselves to breaking this binge of terror that occurs daily in our cities. Pastors need to covenant with their denominational and community peers to deal with this problem from the pulpit. We need to support our respective states’ Attorneys General to find solutions in our laws and in how we handle domestic violence cases.

Most importantly, we need to teach young men and women about healthy relationships. The book, How to Avoid Falling in Love With a Jerk, by Dr. John Van Epp, is an excellent resource for steering young people into healthy relationships. We also should nip in the bud any wrong attitude towards the opposite sex, especially as we engage our children around the dinner table and in front of the TV.

Part II - Next Obama Speech - Youth Violence

In my previous post, I showed how good presidents, good parents, and in particular, good fathers will communicate to young people about how to avoid violence. Teen or youth violence may be gang violence in that there is an instigator and his followers, as in the recent Chicago brawl that killed an innocent young man. In the biblical Book of Proverbs, Solomon addressed youth violence in the context of a robbery, but whether it is a gang violence, jealousy, or robbery, the principles are the same.


Here, I follow Solomon's argument point by point. A president, a teacher, parent, or youth leader will do well to sprinkle these principles into several conversations, unless you are a skilled storyteller who can bring wisdom into everyday context. If you ever were incarcerated, you are in the best advantage to help others steer clear of the things that derailed your life.

MY SON, if sinners entice you, do not consent. If they say, "Come with us, let us lie in wait for blood, let us ambush the innocent without cause..." Proverbs, Chapter 1, verse 10.

Now, no young person decides to go out and rob someone. They have to be enticed. The good news is that before people stir up trouble, they talk about it. If our children are alert, when the talk starts, they can leave.

A young person is enticed with words, because there is little to show for a life of crime. There is the promise of riches--a fantasy. They want you to come with them. The young criminals lie in wait for blood, not realizing, as Solomon will soon tell us, that they lie in wait for their own blood.

Blood is the picture of life. When one has been shot, a rapid loss of blood will drain the life from the person. But in prison, life drains away too--our potential to live productive lives, to marry, to raise children, to help others--these hopes and opportunities drain away just as surely as if an artery were severed.

An ambush, as we remember from movies of the Old West, is where the outlaws wait for the stagecoach. Suddenly the robbers make their move, attacking the stagecoach, demanding the "payroll" tucked away in some strongbox. An ambush carries with it the idea of control--suddenly you have control of someone's life and possessions.

But Solomon would have us see that they ambush their own lives. Suddenly, a promising young person is diverted to jail and he or she is not in control. Those in the criminal justice system have control of your life. What few possessions you carry into a jail cell are regulated and searched. Some have complained that they could have only a certain number of letters from home or that they could not study for the GED. This is an ambush to be sure. One minute you are in control; suddenly, everything has changed.

Let us swallow them alive like Sheol [the place of the dead], and whole, as those who go down to the grave.

The “swallowing alive” is a picture of a snake, whose teeth are set pointing towards its throat. When a snake catches a mouse, all of the wiggling that animal does helps the snake swallow it faster, because of the set of those teeth. That's why the animal swallows its prey whole. When criminals attack, they think everything their target does will only make their work go quicker.

But when a young person gets into bad trouble with the law, they are swallowed alive and whole. You don't send your arm or leg to prison--your whole body goes to prison. The grave takes you alive and whole--one minute you are alive, and the next you are dead, the victim of a bullet from a robbery victim, the police, or a stray bullet from one of your pals.

The justice system swallows you whole, and all the kicking and screaming seems only to hasten the resolve of the police and prosecutors to put you away.

Jesus drew on this principle when he said, "If your eye [or hand, or foot] offends you, pluck it out [or cut it off]." The criminal won't send his hand or foot to prison or to the grave. The whole body will go. The eye (or something desirable), the hand (or its activity), the foot (or somewhere it can take us) are easy to part with when compared to having our entire bodies dragged through the criminal justice system, or having our families grieve over our untimely death. (Jesus used it to apply to one's eternal destiny.)

We shall find all precious wealth; we shall fill our houses with spoil. Throw in your lot with us; we shall all have one purse.

Here is the fantasy, again. First, the focus is on some special thing that will be stolen. But human greed always takes over. Soon, it is filling one's house with loot.

The word "spoil" comes from the "spoils of war"--taking by force the fruits of other's labors. But if it is the fruit of someone else's labor, it could be the fruit of our labor. A Playstation 2 is expensive, but if you delivered pizza, how many days would you have to work to buy one? This is how most of the world operates; it is not strange for people to buy what they want with money they have earned. How else could so many (nearly 150 million PS2s) be sold? It takes hard work and discipline each day until we have saved for what we want.

In Solomon’s “cast your lot with us”, the lot is like a lottery ticket. If five of your friends buy lottery tickets to share the winnings, that would be what is suggested here. You throw in your lot with criminals. You share the risk of coming out ahead with loot you have stolen. But you also share the much, much higher risk of losing. That is why on evening news we see young punks together before a bond judge; they threw in their lot together. They will go to prison together. You share equally in the outcome--as the saying goes, you will "hang together".

MY SON, do not walk in the way with them. Keep your feet from their path.

When I was in college, I said the problem with making good grades was in my posterior. If I kept it in the chair, I would study. Otherwise, I wouldn't study. But the problem could have just as easily been my feet, because they could carry me away from my responsibility. Our hands will usually do what they are trained to do. If you have construction skills, and your feet take you to a construction site, your hands will naturally pick up a hammer and get to work. Job skills and study skills are indeed wonderful. If you are a reader, and you sit in front of a book, your hands and eyes are going to do what they have been accustomed to doing since your earliest days in school—READ.

This brings us to the points covered by the previous blog post, Part I of Youth Violence. I hope that together these two posts will give fathers some time-proven tools to convey to their children, and especially their young men, about how to avoid being sucked into the terrible vortex of escalating violence.

Next Obama Speech: Youth Violence

Long before President Obama recently addressed school children, I had wanted a sitting president to address the subject of youth violence directly with our young people. There is good precedence for an Obama speech on this topic. Solomon, the wisest of ancient kings, addressed the youth of his day very directly on the subject of violence. Solomon was sought out by other monarchs (notably, the Queen of Sheba), and was paid handsomely for his Management Seminars; his writings are full of references to violence prevention--an important topic for heads of state.

Throughout his life, Solomon collected proverbs, those pithy, earthy sayings like our "a stitch in time will save you nine"--Benjamin Franklin. Solomon compiled these into a complete book to which he added little sermonettes, some of which would come under the heading of "What parents should tell their kids", since each one begins with "My son....". These lessons are essential tools for fatherhood and parenting.

In the Book of Proverbs, Solomon's first appeal is to avoid people who will get you in trouble. It doesn't take long to discover that the illustrated trouble is armed robbery--not the first thing we think of when talking with our kids. But the lesson is clear, and I will summarize it here:

Proverbs, chapter 1: "their feet run to evil" - this means that people skilled in something are going to do it faster than you can think the words, "maybe I'd better leave." A carpenter friend shows up at your house when you are working on a project; faster than you can say it, this person has a hammer in his hand. If you in the company of an experienced felon, and he or she sees the opportunity, a bad deed is done, and you are implicated, although it happened faster than you could think.

Kids always think that there is time to back out, like the good kids did on the TV show, "Walker, Texas Ranger". In that series, there was always a kid who had remorse, and at the right moment would change sides while a crime was in progress. But life is not like a TV show, unfortunately; when a crime is in progress, things happen too fast. Pretty soon, a group of older teens is standing before a bond judge--then there's time for remorse.

Another issue is gun violence: Because it's effective at a distance, the gun becomes too impersonal to be used with restraint. It is too easy to use. The person who would never hurt anyone has done the unthinkable. Solomon puts it like this: "They hasten to shed blood." It always happens too fast. The novice thinks that he won't shoot, and his more experienced partner in crime promises the same. Adrenalin, hard hearts, the heat of the moment--all take over, and someone who wasn't supposed to get hurt is lying in a pool of blood. And it gets repeated again the next night with another naive youth who gets in league with a criminal.

The solution, according to Solomon, is to "avoid their path", which I paraphrase as, "Don't let your feet get mixed up with their feet." As Jesus put it, "If your foot offends you, cut it off." Jesus meant, that we have to be ruthless with ourselves to stay out of trouble. This is true with any addiction, and violence is certainly one of the chief addictions, as a read through Proverbs will reveal.

The concept in Proverbs describes what you do with your feet. If your feet get mixed up with a troublemaker, you are going to get into trouble. On the other hand, if your feet get mixed up with someone on the way to swim practice, band practice, dance class, or horse camp, sometime someone is going to put a trumpet in your hand, you are going to dance, you are going to swim, or you are going to ride--am I right? But no one is going to come to your house and put a trumpet in your hand; you are not going to wake up on the sofa with a horse nibbling your hair. That is the concept of feet--the good and the bad of it.

The young person can get his or her feet mixed up with kids who are going places. A summer camp is a great place to do exciting things. Don and Debi Ethridge have a camp near Jackson, Mississippi called New Life. They recruit kids who could not otherwise afford to go to camp. They have horses, and for some kids it is quite a hurdle to get over their fears of horses. But horse people (like Debi) have a special patience that transcends definition, and these kids are soon enjoying those treks through the pines. They got their feet mixed up with with feet that were on the way to camp, and ended up on a horse.

For Christians, who believe the scriptures are God-breathed, i.e., directly inspired, Proverbs uniquely retains the personality and breadth of insight of an intriguing head of state. These directives have stood the test of time; moreover, they are more current than tomorrow's newspaper. Any sitting president would do well to model his appeals after those of this world-class leader, who was also a great man of peace.

Forgiveness Part II

My wife, Mary, and I enjoy marriage mentoring. Mentoring is where a couple meets with another couple and basically says, "This is what we do." Mentoring does not replace counseling, but it can be very good in communicating relationship skills, especially to young couples just starting out their lives together. After I talk about one mentoring program, I want to discuss the very important situation of where forgiveness seems to wear out because the displeasing behaviour continues.

One of the best mentoring programs is Marriage Savers. Mary, who is a program director with a non-profit, had a grant to bring a marriage mentoring program to South Carolina. We took Marriage Savers to small groups in 6 cities, and many of the churches and groups we trained are still mentoring young couples. I wish I could say that I trained; actually, I made some really great coffee, which I could go on about, but that's not our purpose. (Mary can really stretch a dollar - she did 6 cities where most programs did one.)

Mike and Harriet McManus are the Co-Founders of Marriage Savers, and brought their excellent training to our groups. Basically, the idea is to set up mentoring couples in churches, and to have pastors in a community agree that every couple seeking to be married will have a specified minimum amount of pre-marital counseling or mentoring. It has been thoroughly enjoyable for every mentoring couple I know, and it benefits the young couples involved. The results for Marriage Savers are phenomenal; there is a measurable impact on the divorce rate in many areas of our country where communities have embraced the program in big way.

If Mary and I are talking to a married couple who has some difficulty in their relationship, we practice with them keeping short accounts. That's agreeing with your adversary quickly, "in the way" as described in Jesus' illustration, the subject of a previous blog. We emphasize the pain of not resolving "in the way", and that pain is like a debtor's prison from which we don't emerge until the least cent (or most minuscule infraction) is dearly paid for.

We don't believe in couples coming to let counselors fix their spouses. They gather up all the infractions for the week, and lay them at the counselor's feet. The goal of mentoring is to get couples to talk to each other. They ask forgiveness for known offenses. Pretty soon, they do it before they meet with their mentoring couple.

But inevitably, couples who have relationship difficulties tire of this forgiveness. It is normal. We see it in the New Testament gospels, where Peter said to Jesus, "How many times should I forgive my brother--seven times?" To this, Jesus responded, "No, until seventy times seven." In other words, don't keep count. The important truth from this that applies to all couples, young and old, is that change in a partner won't come as quickly as we think it should. It may not come in a way that we can measure. But change will come.

The change comes when a person has other people who are committed to his success, who hold him (or her) accountable. That person is in a good church where there is an emphasis on change, such as is embodied in the verse in Paul's Letter to the Romans, chapter 12 (my paraphrase): "And don't conform to this contemporary culture, but let yourself be changed by restructuring the way you think--then you will discover your Creator's most beneficial will for your life, that which brings wholeness and purpose."

Counseling is great--I don't put it down. Counselors must deal with deep-seated issues, and walk people through the process of getting out of a communication breakdown that may seem hopeless. Our church in Charleston refers families to a really great counseling center, Low Country Biblical Counseling Center.

Mentoring involves education, coaching and sharing real life experiences with another couple who recognizes that the two of you are no different from them, that is, you are vulnerable to all the same pitfalls in relationships. Mentoring will strengthen both marriages and will help couples looking towards marriage get off to a great start. Plus they know at least one understanding couple they can go to when times are tough.